Last week the Kansas City Chiefs ended the Buffalo Bills’ playoff run for the third time in four years. I’ll spare you the specific details except for this: toward the end of January, on the heels of the Bills making some fairytale comeback-kid type of effort and the NFL running specials on how much heart the people of Buffalo have living there amidst the snow drifts, the Chiefs pop the Bills’ Super Bowl dreams like a needle to a big red balloon. The only thing different this time was that Taylor Swift was watching it all live in Orchard Park, New York. <3
Putting aside all the hometown hopes and Taylor/Travis sightings, I’m left with this question: what is to be done with all that we-almost-made-it-again energy? Afterall, it’s pretty binary. Did you win the Conference? Or the Super Bowl? Yes or No. In this case, it’s a hard no.
Most situations, even with binary outcomes, are not the zero-sum games we imagine them to be. Someone else “winning” does not mean we’ve lost to that same degree. I love the research that tells us bronze medal winners are happier than silver medal winners on the same podium. Third place winners have often performed better than anticipated whereas silver medal winners thought they should have done better. It’s a difference in mindset about their expectations and standing that affects their feelings about the same facts. (Although I think gold medal winners probably feel the best!)
Still, there is something tricky about embracing the “almosts” that don’t involve the medal podium or a mention. The ones that typically only you know of and care about. For me, it’s the piece I almost published in a major magazine–I’d been sent edits and everything before they ultimately declined. Or the readers in a short story competition that really loved my work but didn’t advance it to the next round. Or how a journalist called my essay submission “such a great piece,” but unfortunately, they were booked out and couldn’t use it. These won’t be listed on resumes or writing credits. You can’t pitch a different editor with “my work was sooo close to getting in at XYZ publication.” (Or you could try! Let me know…)
Despite the limitations of “almosts,” I’m one of those people who really likes to read the tea leaves in rejection letters and honorable mentions. I think that’s because I’m also a person whose solid “wins” in writing–publication, mainly–are few and far between. In a way I’m crafting a narrative from the scraps of any “loss” that’s slightly positive or encouraging. Together these almosts press a hand on my back and whisper: “keep going.” And that’s not to fluff my ego or put my head in the sand. It’s all in an effort to remain in motion.
A researcher who worked on the bronze medalist theory suggests reflecting on the ways in which we’ve exceeded our own expectations to tap into that bronze medalist high. And when all else fails, don’t forget what Aerosmith, I mean Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “Life’s a journey, not a destination.” If you don’t believe them, take it from organizational psychologist Adam Grant: “Success is not so much about perfection but about what you’ve overcome on the way.” Just don’t mention that to a Bills fan quite yet.
What do you do with your “almosts”?
[January Reads]
A Good Neighborhood by Therese Anne Fowler
The Woman in Me by Britney Spears (Audio, narrated by Michelle Williams)
Wise Blood by Flannery O’Connor
Hidden Potential by Adam Grant (Audio, narrated by Adam Grant)
[I liked that]
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Big Salad’s January Edit has some gems, like novelist Catherine Newman’s favorite mocktail and writer Sara Petersen’s take on perfectionism.
Loved this piece from author Daisy Florin: “You can bellyache about only having xxx number of followers or yyy number of readers, or you can be thankful that those people are showing up for you at all–and the only way you get more is by showing up for the ones you have. And maybe you don’t need as many readers/followers as you think. As my dear friend and mentor Suzanne Kingsbury says, “Jesus only had twelve disciples!”
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Follow Anna Rollins and her Substack On Writing and Publishing for really helpful guidance on pitching and publishing essays.
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Fifteen years into the sheet pan trend, I’m finally leaning in. I’m cooking a pan of vegetables like broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots and then usually chicken thighs. Sometimes I go wild and throw harissa on everything. Same vibe on taco night and taco bowls//why-don’t-you-see-what’s-in-the-fridge-and-make-something-approximating-a-meal-in-a-bowl
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I’ve been getting deeper into my smoothie game (don’t ask) and have run into an issue with my metal straws. I don’t like that I can’t see if they’re actually clean on the inside. Enter my friend’s suggestion for glass straws. I was a little reticent–what if it breaks in my mouth? So far so good, though!
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Last weekend I attended my second opera performance ever. (Unless the Phantom of the Opera counts . . . ) Madame Butterfly. Let’s just say it was not the comedy I’d been promised. All jokes aside, it was a beautiful and moving performance.
I also managed to see States of Incarceration in Charlotte. Highly recommend getting to this national traveling exhibit.
This is so nice! Thank you for the shout out.
I have a number of essays I’ve been pitching recently that have gotten nice rejections. I’ve decided almost means “not yet.” And I wish I could put a timeline on when some of the essays will be ready — but I wonder if some life experiences need to happen before I can get there.
Thanks for being so thought provoking!
I hope you won’t hold it against me that I’m a Chiefs’ fan…love this perspective and want to keep it front of mind as I query and the rejections inevitably pile up!